


saudade

by JuniperGrace



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt, Jealousy, Longing, Past Relationships, Reunions, vox machina - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:34:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26588956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JuniperGrace/pseuds/JuniperGrace
Summary: saudade (noun) a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant, or that has been loved and then lost; "the love that remains." || they had their moment. the best she can do is grin and be glad that allura is happy – to ignore the jealousy stabbing down in her gut. kima knows she gave up the right to be jealous fifteen years ago.
Relationships: Kima/Allura Vysoren, Past Kima/Allura Vysoren, Tiberius Stormwind/Allura Vysoren (implied), implied Tiberius Stormwind/Allura Vysoren
Comments: 1
Kudos: 14





	saudade

**Author's Note:**

> prompts from tumblr // writersblockisabitch sent: for a kimallura prompt: maybe something about jealousy? you can decide who, what, where and when <3 // so here’s a reunion featuring some good longing and past regret. :')

She sees the way Tiberius hugs her - how he almost refuses to let go and how Allura aquiesces to the embrace. She knows that while Allura is warm and more than willing to embrace those that she cares for, there’s always an air of propriety about it. Kima knows so very well that the long, tender embraces –– the kind where a lover might hold you for hours on end and so tightly they shake –– are meant only for moments away from prying eyes. (Moments lost to time for the pair of them, but that Kima might begrudgingly admit she aches for.) She can tell in that moment, just from one hug, that Tiberius is smitten. Allura is harder to read, her expressions always so carefully crafted. There was a time when Kima could decipher even the slightest switch of Allura’s expressions, but that might as well be ancient history. She tries to shake the thoughts –– she has no right to the feeling festering in the pit of her stomach. However, she thinks, there may be something to be interpreted in the fact that the arcanist lingers in the embrace. But if it’s because there’s the beginnings of a flame or because she doesn’t wish to make the moment awkward for the dragonborn, Kima can’t make it out. 

Any thoughts she has concerning the dragonborn, however, are flung from her mind as Allura lifts her into an embrace of her own, spinning her around before the wizard remembers herself. Kima’s feet touch the ground once again, stomach churning now with something aside from the festering jealousy. Still, she tries to reason with herself. They’re still good friends even if they’re no longer romantically involved. Of course Allura would be relieved that she was still alive.

Kima tries not to read anything into the flush of Allura’s cheeks when the woman does finally set her down or the tear that slips from the corner of her eye when she mentions how worried she was.

Vox Machina eventually goes their own way, bidding goodbye to the pair after discussing plans to transport the horn to Vasselheim. Their departure leaves the paladin and the arcanist alone in a suddenly looming tower, the space shockingly silent, both of them looking into their cups of tea. Kima hates this – how awkward this feels. Fifteen years might as well be a lifetime. They’d been so close –– they _loved_ each other and they’d both decided to let that go when they parted paths all those years ago. Kima wishes they hadn’t –– she knows she still loves the impossible woman and seeing her again only reminds her of that. She wonders if it’s not her place to bring it up, so she doesn’t. The silence becomes unbearable eventually and they both attempt to break it simultaneously.

“So, I-”

“Should we-”

Their gazes meet for the first time since they were left alone, both women studying each other. Kima waves her hand finally, indicating for Allura to go ahead. 

“I’m glad you’re safe.”

“Yeah. Me too. I know I said it earlier, but I’m sorry for any trouble.” 

“You’re not any trouble, Kima. I meant it when I said I was worried…” 

The words _I care about you_ are left unsaid, but heavily implied and they hang in the air. Kima knows Allura’s being kind – the arcanist often told her she was more trouble than anyone else in their old adventuring party combined – but she knows what Allura means and she appreciates that. 

“Were you going to say something,” Allura prompts when Kima doesn’t respond. 

“Oh, yeah… I was gonna say I should get going. If I want to find some place to sleep…” 

If this was years ago – before they’d bade each other goodbye and went their separate ways – she’d assume she could stay with Allie (she’s not even sure if she can call her Allie anymore). Except now Allura’s got this big fancy tower – probably with some massively comfortable bed and Kima doesn’t think she can assume now. She stifles a yawn, the exhaustion of everything finally catching up with her. “I’m pretty damn tired.”

Allura doesn’t respond right away; Kima can see the wheels in her head turning and makes herself look down at the mug in her hands.

“You can stay here, Kima.” 

“I don’t want to be in your way…” 

“You wouldn’t be in the way.” 

“Oh.” Allura sounds sure, but Kima still pauses. “If you’re sure… Thank you.” 

They both sip at their tea for a moment, letting silence slip between them again. Kima wonders if she should ask about the dragonborn. She wants Allura to be happy and if Tiberius does that for her, then so be it. It stings to think about, but Kima will come to terms with it eventually. Allura deserves to be happy – even if Kima is no longer the source of that for her. 

“So… Tiberius?” 

“What about him?”

“He likes you.” 

“It seems that way…”

Kima’s quiet again. Allura’s always been too good at avoiding the question – at being vague. It’s infuriating how clever she is. Best to be clearer, more direct, not to giver her a way to avoid answering. And it doesn’t _seem_ like Tiberius likes Allura. That would be the understatement of the century. Seeing how he looked at her, how he would talk about her before they arrived back in Emon, Kima can see why Dhola, Ghenn, and Drake were all fed up with her back in the day. If she looked at Allura the same way, and she’s sure she did, no wonder they were all ecstatic when the two finally got together. 

Allura’s missing that same energy, however. Perhaps it’s because she’s been hurt before. Kima hates to think she did that to her. But if Allura is being cautious because of Kima, then Kima will give her the nudge she thinks she needs. No need to hold back on her account. She’s a grown hafling – can put on her own armor and everything. 

“Do you like him?”

Allura bites her lip the way she does when she’s unsure how to answer a question and she avoids meeting Kima’s eyes, “I’m not sure… He’s scholarly – and he seems kind. I suppose it’s too early to tell.” 

Kima hums, “Might be worth giving him a chance… You gave me one.”

“Yes, I did.” 

She thinks Allura sounds wistful, pensive. There’s an underlying sadness to her words – so many things left unsaid when they parted all those years ago. The tone makes Kima feel terrible. If she could go back and do things over – made more of an effort to make things work instead of agreeing to call it off and letting their correspondences grow fewer and farther between – she would in a heartbeat. She wishes she knew if Allura felt the same way. But if she wants to move on, Kima has no right or reason to hold her to the past. What kind of friend would she be if she tried? 

Slowly, a small smile sneaks across Allura’s lips, an expression that Kima make a point to match. “Do you really think he likes me that much,” she asks, her voice soft with careful optimism.

“I do,” she replies, trying to ignore the jealousy stabbing at her gut, “I think he does.”

If Allura wants to pursue this with Tiberius, Kima can’t do anything about it. They had their moment. The best she can do is grin and be glad that Allura is happy – to ignore the jealousy stabbing down in her gut. 

Kima knows she gave up the right to be jealous fifteen years ago.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks so much for reading! if you enjoyed this and feel up to it, please leave a kudo or a comment! i love hearing from people! check me out on tumblr [ at finelyfrenzied ](http://finelyfrenzied.tumblr.com) ! thank you ( is it thursday yet? )


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